So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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