Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
