so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
