Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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