My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
