I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
She even gives head with a lisp.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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