Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
