yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
