Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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