she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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