you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
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