i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
