i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
