zippers are such a cool invention
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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