Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
