your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
