Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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