Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
