A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
