How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
