i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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