I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
