I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
