did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I am in a vortex of obligation.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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