I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
