Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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