Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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