I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
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