Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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