I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
