go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
