you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
