I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
