i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
