I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
