Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
