Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
