How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
