i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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