so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Everyone says I win the strip club
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
