you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
