the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I think I sprained my soul last night
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
