I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
