Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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