If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
