eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
