what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
