There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
