He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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