If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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